Family Rules
When the kids were really young (early Oregon days) our Stake President gave a Fifth Sunday lesson in which he went over some of their family rules and why they chose them. I missed the lesson because I was in the Primary presidency at that time, but Josh was able to attend and he took some notes. I remember I was really interested to hear what they did as a family, but years later I only remember one specific rule that we took and made our own. However, I know that talk and many others have influenced rules that we've set down for our family. Some things have changed a little over time as we've adapted to circumstances, while others have held firm for a decade or more.
The purpose of a family rule is to create a certain atmosphere in our home, as well as to allow for the best spiritual development that we can achieve. In a silly movie that we like to watch, a character says "I've got ONE job on this ship. It's STUPID, but I'm going to do it!" Frankly her job was stupid, but my job as a parent is most definitely not. In fact, it's the most important job I will ever have, and therefore it makes sense to me that my parenting responsibilities are where I should focus the bulk of my energy.
I thought I'd go over some of our current family policies. I think it will be interesting to see how they change as the kids grow up. Don't oldest children usually think their siblings are allowed WAY more freedom?
The Rules
1. No sleepovers. This was the biggest rule we picked up from our stake president, and it was not a rule that I had considered up to that point. My children were too young for sleepovers, and I had them as a kid, so I hadn't ever considered NOT allowing them. But upon further reflection Josh and I could see the wisdom in this. There is no purpose to staying overnight at someone's house. There are very few positive and uplifting activities that happen after midnight (hmmm, my own experience backs this up). My kids' friends know that my kids are not going to sleepovers and it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, several of their member and non-member friends have similar rules.
2. Internet Safety. Our children's devices and family computer all have a timer that shuts the internet off at a designated hour (earlier on school nights). Devices are not to be used behind closed doors. All devices are subject to unannounced scrutiny by a parent and we must know your passwords for all accounts. (FYI - Josh and I share our passwords with each other). Also our family computer is completely password protected so the younger kids cannot get on without express permission.
Our children are not allowed to use devices - especially internet connected ones - at their friends houses. We unfortunately did not make that rule clear enough early on and one child was exposed to pornography that the older sibling of a friend had downloaded to a gaming device. There is a reason for this internet monitoring. Depending on the study, the average age a child is exposed to porn is age 11. It is becoming more mainstream, and not only that, what is considered "soft porn" already is mainstream and many people are viewing it on a regular basis with their children even though it's probably actually worse for children (i.e. "Game of Thrones" and other TV shows).
Anyway, this is seriously important today and not to be brushed aside. http://pornproofkids.com/tag/soft-core-porn/
There was a really good article on this in the September 2014 Ensign, as well.
3. Dating. We have set relationship policies. My kids are not "going out", "dating", or "hooking up" before 16. Period. Basically we follow the "For the Strength of Youth" to the T in this family. Elementary age kids like to "go out" now, so you'd be surprised how early you need to set this standard. Also, we don't send our kids to school dances until 14 (age of church dances) just because it seemed wise to follow the general church standard, and honestly we've discouraged them from going to the school dances anyway. But so far my girls and most of their church friends think the school dances are disgusting and much prefer their church dances.
4. Movies. If you look at "For the Strength of Youth" it used to talk about not watching rated R movies. Now it just has basic guidelines. I think that's because movie ratings are not a reliable enough standard.
Our kids don't watch PG13 movies before age 13 unless Josh and I have previewed it completely (and we don't watch very many ourselves as they are getting raunchier and raunchier). It's a rare PG13 movie that passes the grade for our younger kids to watch. In fact, only a few that I can think of (for example: Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, after the kids read the books). Even once they are 13 we encourage them to check out parental reviews online and decide if they REALLY want to watch that movie. IMDB.com is a great resource (scroll down to the parent guide - there's one for every movie I've looked up), and there are other parent guides that you can find online.
Here's an example of a movie that was recently popular with my girls' friends: "The Fault in Our Stars". Not too terrible, I guess. Oh, except for that "short" sex scene and the groping going on. I can't tell you how many teen and adult girls told me what an awesome movie this was. I haven't seen it because of what I read on the parent guide.
Recently one of the youth leaders in our ward wanted to show the movie "Pitch Perfect" to the young women. Josh and I hadn't seen it. The girls called us up because they knew it was PG13 and we discussed it based on the IMDB parent guide. I was kind of shocked that the leader thought it was an appropriate movie. Josh and I have learned that just because people are members of the Church doesn't mean they hold the same values that we have. It's a little tricky negotiating those situations because you don't want to insult anyone, but we've felt that people are usually pretty willing to work with us. And as we always tell the girls, there are plenty of great PG and G rated movies that all ages can enjoy!
Another important thematic element that we look for, aside from how much violence, language, and sex is in a movie, is how evil and wickedness is portrayed. If you have a movie that shows homosexuality, one-night stands, and drugs as NORMAL, healthy behaviors, then even if it's basically "clean" we wouldn't let our kids watch it. A couple years ago we started watching a TV show that was being recommended by many of our friends as a really fun, clean family show. So we tried it. And it was super fun and clean until about four episodes in when a girl sleeps with someone (nothing is shown) and the next morning feels a little guilty for what she did. Her friend tells her that there is nothing wrong with having a little fun and relaxation with a guy once in awhile. - That is a good example of the kind of influences we try to avoid. When things that are wrong are consistently being portrayed as normal, after awhile it dulls our senses and we start to rationalize wrong behavior in others and ourselves. So a movie that portrays evil as evil is going to be more acceptable to me than one that portrays evil as good.
Anyway, we are usually the strict parents in the ward when it comes to movies and television, a title we are happy to accept. I don't really care. We also monitor our own exposure to these things by considering if we would let our teen girls watch/read/listen to it - if not, then we shouldn't be either.
** I also want to add that we are by no means perfect at following our own rules. I know we watch movies that I later think perhaps we should have skipped or turned off. So I don't want to sound all goody-goody. We are not living models of perfection - we are just setting our standards and doing our best to live up to them. **
Finally, I want to address books. I don't pre-read everything my kids read. We have discussed basic standards for language, sex, and thematic elements and making the decision to put a book down. Until high school I could usually keep up with the kids' reading, but after that (number of kids times number of books being read) it's virtually impossible. Plus I honestly don't want to read every book that they might find interesting. I flip through new ones - especially popular teen books, and we discuss what they are reading. It works.
To have successful homes, values must be taught, and there must be rules, there must be standards, and there must be absolutes. James E. Faust
The purpose of a family rule is to create a certain atmosphere in our home, as well as to allow for the best spiritual development that we can achieve. In a silly movie that we like to watch, a character says "I've got ONE job on this ship. It's STUPID, but I'm going to do it!" Frankly her job was stupid, but my job as a parent is most definitely not. In fact, it's the most important job I will ever have, and therefore it makes sense to me that my parenting responsibilities are where I should focus the bulk of my energy.
I thought I'd go over some of our current family policies. I think it will be interesting to see how they change as the kids grow up. Don't oldest children usually think their siblings are allowed WAY more freedom?
*****************
The Rules
1. No sleepovers. This was the biggest rule we picked up from our stake president, and it was not a rule that I had considered up to that point. My children were too young for sleepovers, and I had them as a kid, so I hadn't ever considered NOT allowing them. But upon further reflection Josh and I could see the wisdom in this. There is no purpose to staying overnight at someone's house. There are very few positive and uplifting activities that happen after midnight (hmmm, my own experience backs this up). My kids' friends know that my kids are not going to sleepovers and it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, several of their member and non-member friends have similar rules.2. Internet Safety. Our children's devices and family computer all have a timer that shuts the internet off at a designated hour (earlier on school nights). Devices are not to be used behind closed doors. All devices are subject to unannounced scrutiny by a parent and we must know your passwords for all accounts. (FYI - Josh and I share our passwords with each other). Also our family computer is completely password protected so the younger kids cannot get on without express permission.
Our children are not allowed to use devices - especially internet connected ones - at their friends houses. We unfortunately did not make that rule clear enough early on and one child was exposed to pornography that the older sibling of a friend had downloaded to a gaming device. There is a reason for this internet monitoring. Depending on the study, the average age a child is exposed to porn is age 11. It is becoming more mainstream, and not only that, what is considered "soft porn" already is mainstream and many people are viewing it on a regular basis with their children even though it's probably actually worse for children (i.e. "Game of Thrones" and other TV shows).
Anyway, this is seriously important today and not to be brushed aside. http://pornproofkids.com/tag/soft-core-porn/
There was a really good article on this in the September 2014 Ensign, as well.
3. Dating. We have set relationship policies. My kids are not "going out", "dating", or "hooking up" before 16. Period. Basically we follow the "For the Strength of Youth" to the T in this family. Elementary age kids like to "go out" now, so you'd be surprised how early you need to set this standard. Also, we don't send our kids to school dances until 14 (age of church dances) just because it seemed wise to follow the general church standard, and honestly we've discouraged them from going to the school dances anyway. But so far my girls and most of their church friends think the school dances are disgusting and much prefer their church dances.4. Movies. If you look at "For the Strength of Youth" it used to talk about not watching rated R movies. Now it just has basic guidelines. I think that's because movie ratings are not a reliable enough standard.
Here's an example of a movie that was recently popular with my girls' friends: "The Fault in Our Stars". Not too terrible, I guess. Oh, except for that "short" sex scene and the groping going on. I can't tell you how many teen and adult girls told me what an awesome movie this was. I haven't seen it because of what I read on the parent guide.
Recently one of the youth leaders in our ward wanted to show the movie "Pitch Perfect" to the young women. Josh and I hadn't seen it. The girls called us up because they knew it was PG13 and we discussed it based on the IMDB parent guide. I was kind of shocked that the leader thought it was an appropriate movie. Josh and I have learned that just because people are members of the Church doesn't mean they hold the same values that we have. It's a little tricky negotiating those situations because you don't want to insult anyone, but we've felt that people are usually pretty willing to work with us. And as we always tell the girls, there are plenty of great PG and G rated movies that all ages can enjoy!
Another important thematic element that we look for, aside from how much violence, language, and sex is in a movie, is how evil and wickedness is portrayed. If you have a movie that shows homosexuality, one-night stands, and drugs as NORMAL, healthy behaviors, then even if it's basically "clean" we wouldn't let our kids watch it. A couple years ago we started watching a TV show that was being recommended by many of our friends as a really fun, clean family show. So we tried it. And it was super fun and clean until about four episodes in when a girl sleeps with someone (nothing is shown) and the next morning feels a little guilty for what she did. Her friend tells her that there is nothing wrong with having a little fun and relaxation with a guy once in awhile. - That is a good example of the kind of influences we try to avoid. When things that are wrong are consistently being portrayed as normal, after awhile it dulls our senses and we start to rationalize wrong behavior in others and ourselves. So a movie that portrays evil as evil is going to be more acceptable to me than one that portrays evil as good.
Anyway, we are usually the strict parents in the ward when it comes to movies and television, a title we are happy to accept. I don't really care. We also monitor our own exposure to these things by considering if we would let our teen girls watch/read/listen to it - if not, then we shouldn't be either.
** I also want to add that we are by no means perfect at following our own rules. I know we watch movies that I later think perhaps we should have skipped or turned off. So I don't want to sound all goody-goody. We are not living models of perfection - we are just setting our standards and doing our best to live up to them. **
Finally, I want to address books. I don't pre-read everything my kids read. We have discussed basic standards for language, sex, and thematic elements and making the decision to put a book down. Until high school I could usually keep up with the kids' reading, but after that (number of kids times number of books being read) it's virtually impossible. Plus I honestly don't want to read every book that they might find interesting. I flip through new ones - especially popular teen books, and we discuss what they are reading. It works.
There have been numerous parenting talks in Conference, but
L. Tom Perry's talk "Becoming Goodly Parents" is a winner!
I also like Sister Beck's talk "Mothers Who Know", though it deals less with
practical parenting and more with mothering.
Love these. It's nice to see we're on the same page. I think we also are the "strict" parents when we get together with other parents, but like you guys, it's OK with us to have that title!
ReplyDeleteWe recently decided to say "no" to sleepovers, too, when A. came home from school and asked us if she could have one. I felt bad saying no, but it after I said it, she said, "Oh, OK." And that was that. It's nice knowing now that we have that family rule, I won't have to fight over trying to establish it later on. We told her that she gets to have sleepovers when we visit cousins. :)
We've also talked a lot about how a movie portrays evil. Nathan's favorite essay on that topic is by Orson Scott Card, about how showing consequences of bad choices can be great, but just showing the bad choices --- not so much. See here: http://mldb.byu.edu/card2.htm
Heck, even the scriptures are full of "bad choices" but there always a lesson and a narrative to show why it was a bad choice. That can be a very valuable form of teaching.
Your guys' rule about reading the book before the movie is one little thing we've planned on doing because you guys mentioned it. Great idea. We've also decided not to have movies in our house that we wouldn't want our five-year old grabbing and popping into the DVD player. Besides, if we want to see a movie that's above her rating, we always have Redbox or Netflix! So there's no need to have those movies around, anyway.